Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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