is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
