The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
