i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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