the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
