as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
