pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
