I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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