remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
