i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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