I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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