is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
