I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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