you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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