I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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