You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
