I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
