Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
