im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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