Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
