if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
