Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
