i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
