I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
