just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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