never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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