so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
