Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
