I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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