i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
