i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
