He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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