I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
