gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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