After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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