tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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