hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
