WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
