The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
