the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
