my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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