He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
