If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
