Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
