I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
