I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
