Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
