normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Randomize