I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
