I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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