I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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