apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
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