I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
