I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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