ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can feel your judgement through the phone
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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