There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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